PEORIA, Ariz. — In the melancholy of a magical season ending after six excruciating hours of tension-filled hope and frustration, where 18 innings of fight couldn’t stave off failure, Marco Gonzales sat at his locker in T-Mobile Park, eyes fixed upon his sneakers, a fitting symbol of his disappointment.
Left off the postseason roster for the American League wild-card series in Toronto and the divisional series vs. Houston, the longest-tenured pitcher on the team had no need for cleats. He was an in-uniform spectator for the Mariners’ first playoff appearance since 2001. The faint hope of being activated for the championship series was gone in the series loss to the Astros.
It hurt to lose. It hurt more to not be a part of it.
Asked about the decision after that game and his future with the organization, Gonzales choked up and fought back tears.
“I don’t know if I’m able to answer that right now,” he said. “I don’t know if I’m able to kind of put that into words right now. I put my heart and soul into all of this — this team, this group, a lot of blood, sweat and tears, a lot of sacrifice for this. I couldn’t imagine playing anywhere else. I just don’t know what else to say. I don’t know what’s going to happen.”
In the days after elimination, the hurt didn’t leave him. A season of jubilation and accomplishment ended with a wound that simply wouldn’t heal.
No matter how much he wanted to move on from it, he couldn’t do it.
It was as if all the criticisms from his doubters — “too little, not durable, doesn’t throw hard enough, no power stuff” — that he’d proven wrong over a life spent in baseball finally had their moment of being right.
Even now, in a spring training filled with heightened expectations for the Mariners and an excitement around the team, and just minutes after his first Cactus League start, Gonzales voice hardens when talking about being left out of the Mariners’ postseason plans.
“I’ve thought about that moment since the moment I got here — what would it be like to pitch the playoffs,” he said Saturday afternoon. “So not getting that chance, it hurts, it stings. It led to a lot a lot of dark days this offseason.”
In those dark days, Gonzales replayed the conversations he had with the Mariners leadership, notifying him he wouldn’t be on the postseason roster. It led to conversations with himself about who he was as a pitcher and who he needed to be.
“I can understand it,” he said. “I can look around the room and understand that I don’t quite fit on a 26-man postseason roster. I was not one of our top three starters. I understand that. I can look in the mirror and be honest with myself and understand that’s what’s best for the team. It’s basically what the organization said as well.”
So instead of trying to find ways to forget those unsettled feelings that seemed embedded in his psyche, Gonzales decided to embrace them as motivation.
“I wasn’t happy with the way the year ended for me individually,” he said. “It didn’t sit well with me. I was going to do everything I could to not feel that way again.”
He went back to what he’d always known.
“There was one thing to do, and it was go to work,” he said. “That’s what fueled the offseason workouts.”
Admittedly, the birth of his daughter, Grace, in 2021 and the intricacies of being a first-time father and trying to operate within the structure and limited free time of being a Major League Baseball player had left Gonzales with a bit of a “dad bod” in 2022.
He was carrying unnecessary weight on his 5-foot-11 frame and felt less athletic than he had in his career. Always considering himself an athlete and not just a pitcher, Gonzales took pride in his college hitting prowess, his agility on defense and his ability to run. He was a baseball player not a specialist.
With his wife, Monica, expecting their second daughter in the first weeks of the season, Gonzales knew changes needed to be made.
“It got me the first time around,” he said with a smile. “But I’ve matured, and I’ve learned since then.”
With a little help from Monica, who is a clinical nutritionist and working toward a master’s, Gonzales changed up an already healthy diet and channeled his postseason disappointment into “anger workouts.”
Tired and want to quit?
Remember watching the wild card and how it felt, remember being not good enough, keep going.
Don’t feel like working out today?
Do you want to wear sneakers instead of spikes again during the postseason, take your ass to the gym.
While he wouldn’t list an exact number, Gonzales appears to have shed at least 15 pounds off his frame. Some teammates think it might be closer to 20. His once flowing hair has been shaved down on the sides and trimmed on the top while his face is largely clean shaven.
“New prospect in camp,” he joked when people were startled by his appearance, which looked like a kid in his 20s.
More important than the noticeable change in his appearance, Gonzales feels more athletic on the mound.
“Moving cleaner and efficiently should always help you to repeat pitches and mechanics,” he said.
His struggles in 2022 stemmed largely from inconsistency with his usual pinpoint command. Because he doesn’t have overpowering stuff, Gonzales needs to throw more than just strikes — quality strikes — to be effective. There were far too many outings where he found himself being forced into the middle of the plate because he was unable to put the ball where it needed to be.
In 30 starts, he posted a 10-15 record with a 4.13 ERA. In 183 innings, he struck out just 103 batters. The 5.07 strikeouts per nine innings were the lowest since joining Seattle in 2017.
While no amount of working out would make him throw 93 mph again with his fastball, Gonzales decided to add a slider to give him a sixth pitch for his repertoire.
“I was throwing sliders last year, sort of unintentionally but intentionally, trying to make my cutter bigger to lefties and kind of run it off the plate,” he said. “This year I just gave the pitch its own focused path, its own intention and started calling it a slider and work on it as a slider. Talking with the pitching coaches. The numbers looked good on it so we’ve decided to implement it in.”
The concept of continuously finding ways to improve was instilled in Gonzales long before he got to the Mariners, but it mirrors the organization’s overall philosophy.
“I feel like I’m still young in this game,” he said. “I feel like there’s stigmas around 30-year-olds in this game and that’s complete [excrement]. I think I’m in the prime of my career and have a lot to prove still.”
In the first days of spring training, manager Scott Servais talked to Gonzales about the decision on the postseason roster, knowing it still ate at him. He complimented Gonzales on being professional in handling the situation in the moment. Servais has known Gonzales since he was a high-school legend in Fort Collins, Colorado, and expected nothing less. He also recognizes the motivation.
“It wouldn’t be Marco if he didn’t pitch with a little bit of a chip on his shoulder,” Servais said. “That’s what makes him really good. He’s motivated to kind of get back on top of his game for sure. It might even be a little bigger chip.”